Conservative Friend

I came to this topic by appreciating in new ways the rejections felt by others- at the hands of folks like me, while I have stood by silently. I am in the majority class and thus have inherent power due to my gender, race, connection to Christ, sexuality, intelligence, affluence, nationality; and probably many more things with which I have been Graced, and am as unaware of as the air that I breathe.

Over the past months, I have viscerally experienced some of those rejections felt by others. “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?” Someone’s sexuality treated as a disconnection from God. Another with wounds, years later, from feeling excluded by his Monthly Meeting because OYM was important to him. A third, incredibly gentle & sensitive & close to me, told her participation with an OYM originated group should be stopped- because of her supposed anger.

Rejection around anger resonates deeply with me. I have felt that rejection all of my life. Closely connected is a sense I have often had that folks feel I don’t “get it” and am just not in tune enough with (their) community norms: that I should understand what they do not (cannot or are uncomfortable to) voice more clearly & directly. Among many Quaker groups, those exhibiting strong emotions are usually seen as “Other.” A strange position for the followers of George Fox (and even Jesus); until it is considered that Friends are largely a self-selected (convinced) group who are comfortable in silence, largely uncomfortable in large & noisy groups, and distrustful of emotional motivation (we are of a more cerebral bent).

I have come to realize more & more over the last year or so, how much my anger really affects people. How it interferes with them hearing what I am trying to say, relating to me, and being around me sometimes. How what looks & feels like mild irritation to me internally, sometimes triggers a strong sense of fear in those around me. My presenting in anger, when my underlying emotion is hurt, is a learned behavior reflecting my baggage. Some seeing the potential of rage in my expressions of irritation and others lacking voice about that (and other stuff), often reflects what they bring along from their pasts.

I have found that I get in my most consistent foul-ups around trying to hold back my expressions when I am not sure they can/will be heard. Not only does misunderstanding & miscommunication usually result when I use gentle rather than direct words & speech; but my frustrations over voice and feeling unheard are huge triggers for me to become irritated and angry. Sometimes what I can express in irritated bursts are important communications that I did not find another way to access (externally & also often internally). Feeling heard has a calming effect on me. And practicing direct communication- even when it is hard, vulnerable, and very unlikely to be received well or heard- precludes a lot of my even angrier outbursts.

There is perhaps a fundamental reason strong emotions are hard on Friends. We are self-selected largely for those sensitive to the direct experience of the Holy Spirit. This often also means we are more sensitive to experiencing the feelings & emotions of others. And, I have found that focusing on listening for & to the Spirit heightens that sensitivity to and awareness of others. When we are in a heightened state of listening (that we all work to maintain), strong & dissident emotions are often particularly hard to experience. Also, it is very hard to listen deeply, or be sympathetic & empathetic while we ourselves are in the throes of dissident emotion.

We admire the calm qualities of many weighty Friends. We see the barriers and obstacles presented in and by our own strong & discordant emotions. And, we are embarrassed and uncomfortable with owning those qualities. Our pride makes us tend to think “That is not me,” or at least “I can control & submerge those feelings & emotions.” We all know intellectually the folly of such thinking; but it is, of course, part of the human condition—same as our possessing those feelings & emotions. Christ can certainly help us in these struggles. Christ’s help often shows up with human faces. Trust & support within community is so very, very important: our ability and willingness to trust our fellow seekers with those parts of ourselves we are ashamed of; our fellow seekers’ ability and willingness to hold that trust as sacred- by trusting us with their emotions they hold in shame. And we ALL have them- the ultimate pride is to even momentarily think that the emotion we distain in another is not also part of us. When we see any of God’s children as ‘Other’, particularly any whose outward Gifts are not as apparent as ours, we are clearly disappointing God with our lack of humility. I say ‘we’ advisedly. This is a HUGE part of my turning away from God.

I want to make clear in this discourse [or rant, depending out ones point of view ] something Conservative Friends do extremely well that is incredibly important for connection, in the gentling and calming of jangling ego, and to the process of folks feeling heard & accepted. Silently holding space and praying: hard to see; powerful to experience; two-thirds of good Eldering; available from us all; important for us all. It is just not everything. It is not always sufficient by itself.

Starting in early October; a lack of ability to hold space for our collective emotions (though unacknowledged, starting with the leadership’s); the Quaker tendency to run away from potentially discordant situations (waiting is the safe answer when things are hot and/or a clear path forward is not seen); and the human tendency to yield to authority, power, and majority- continues to come together in a very hurtful way for me & the person closest to me. The actions, particularly the ensuing lack of voice & inaction, has rocked my confidence in the abilities of Friends of this era to create and maintain deep community.

I sense that how we value tranquility over Truth is at the core of why there are so few Friends today; why there are easily 25 million people living closer to me than the community in Barnesville I travel to be a semi-part of. Why do I semi-routinely drive past that many of God’s children? “Tranquility” is why my love was unwelcome in Delavan (justified by a Bible passage) and largely why 5+ weeks later so few efforts have been made to mitigate that hurt and my sense of b.s. Choosing tranquility over Truth also played out in annual sessions last summer- there was much more concern with a little lack of tranquility than with the huge discrimination that has been going on silently for at least a decade during which many have been aware of its wrongness. We have forsaken much of what we have inherited from George Fox, John Woolman, and those early, cantankerous, Wilberites. Times when Friends were growing and plentiful.

Now, I hear the voices saying , ”Hold up, there are already too many folks speaking & acting way too forthrightly- sure that God is at their side directing every word & movement; sure that their understandings and expressions are always clear of their own crap. Thinking twice before acting once has saved us from lots of catastrophes”. I am sure that is true. But was “Move forward cautiously” the motto of Woolman, Fox, or Jesus? Move forward boldly, but together.” Speak boldly to your brothers & sisters. In the endeavor to connect, chance being wrong, chance being foolish. Share your feelings with abandon. Voice clearly when the feelings, expressions, and actions of your brother are (at least temporarily) too much for you to experience & hold. Embrace the human condition of us all. Own your embarrassing, flawed, ridiculous, and hurtful parts. Try to move away from the shame of them. Work at giving your shame over to the Grace & forgiveness available in Christ. That internal shame so very often shows up in external judgment. We are oh-so-good at putting up barriers, disconnections, & excuses between us and those we see as “other” at any moment.

I have “integrity” in the title and have not yet mentioned it directly. When we make internal excuses that allow us to avoid acting boldly and courageously, we move away from integrity. When we are comfortable in our Gatheredness, self-image, and sense of community at the expense of those we see as “other” - we are way out of integrity. No one can always be in perfect integrity. No one can see all of their internal hypocrisies. But we can do a whole lot better- especially if we ask all of those around us to hold us to higher standards. And if they have the courage, and over time learn the trust, to relentlessly comply with those requests. Being all we can be for Christ; doing all we can do to further the Body of Christ; demands nothing less. We are asked to open our hearts in unfamiliar ways.

I am pretty disappointed that I have received no reaction, feedback, or response yet. I look for clear & direct feedback, and as relentless a holding me to the highest standards as can be summoned up. I will hold such efforts in high regard, and work hard to justify & earn the trust it requires to give feedback & suggest standards (and how I might be straying or incorrect).

This continues to represent my current best understanding of how to best serve God though Christ. That makes feedback- concerned, appalled, confused, outraged, hurt; whatever- very important to me. If it is easier, feel free to write me offline.

Mike, you speak to my condition. I am often angry at the world's succumbing to "slavery, world-worship, and the Mammon-God." I often wait in silence to discern whether my own rantings come from "the right side of the fathomless abyss, serving God heartily," or from simple high anxiety and a lack of sleep. In the end, I am convinced that much of my anger, my "energetic melancholy", does come from God, and that He is urging me to speak Truth to power. Unfortunately, as I live in Portugal, and as I am not gifted with the Portuguese tongue, much of my own ranting falls upon my poor little family. It's high time then, that I spoke Truth to power to those in power (and not to family, or to those who would agree with me). It's time we all removed ourselves from Quietism, on the one hand, and politicking on the other, and spoke Truth to power to the Westboro Baptist Churches, and the Faithful Word Baptist Churches, and the Ofiicer's Christian Fellowship and all the noisy false prophets in the world with a little of God's anger; respecting that of God in them, but having no less fire in the eyes or intensity in the voice for that respect. And if there are Friends symbolizing that power that God would have us speak to then let us speak Truth to Friends.

Your Friend in Christ,

Ken

Thank you, Ken. It is my sense that most of us can find power being exercised much closer to home than the Baptists.

 'Speaking Truth to power' seems a popular and common phrase among Friends. Jesus spent much more time speaking to the unempowered. Perhaps his time in Galilee (rather than Jerusalem) and telling the healed to not speak of it, were about not engaging the powerful. He did speak Truth to power- certainly in his actions Palm Sunday and beyond. But his messages and actions were largely to those outside power, and even the Law. Speaking in a way the powerless can hear is in many ways much more difficult than messages to and for the powerful.

Our egos, rationalizations, and how we are deal with our emotions- are forces that often move us away from our connection to God. It is WAY too simplistic to discount all of those God-given parts of ourselves as other-than-God and our path towards God. That simplistic notion leads to navel gazing, the inability to speak & act for Truth & Love; and those parts of ourselves we are most prone to covering up, avoiding, and being ashamed of- leaking out in the worst ways. THAT is where we can be at our worst. Where the Tempter can have a field day. I believe we were given free will as part of the Christ within us. As co-creators of the Kingdom of Heaven. As partners, IN Christ, of the Body of Christ. As stewards of Life, community, and our Brothers & Sisters. Learning how to work responsibly with our egos, emotions, and human condition- flaws and all- is messy. We stumble. We make mistakes. We get ahead of the Guide. But, it is much worse to do nothing. If we never get ahead of the Guide, we are probably, way too often, far behind & away from the Lord. Life is trial, error, correction of course, picking ourselves back up from being a total fool (hopefully for the Lord). With the help of the Lord, together.

Mike, Having read your first post a bit more carefully, I sense that I am missing something. There is some specific topic of importance that you are referring to, I think, but I don't know what it is. 

Also, regarding 'speaking Truth to power,' as I see it, Jesus did indeed do just that, by speaking as He did to the Scribes, Pharisees, Saducees; to the general population that was circumcised in the flesh but not in the spirit; 'power' being not merely political power but societal power. Power as I see it today lies not just in the hands of politicians, the wealthy, and the military, but in the hands of the 'tyranny of the majority'-- the World-- that condemns and ostracizes the 'other' that you speak of. But you are correct, of course. Jesus had as much, if not more, to say to the marginalized as He did to those in control.    

Ken; I did write in reaction to, and based on my discernments & understanding arising from, specific incidents that I have not shared here in detail. Messy & confusing stuff that involves a lot of folks in several capacities. Hopefully, there is still better understanding, resolution, and reconciliation available; and this does not seem to be the time & place to share those details.

Most of Jesus' early words to the Scribes, Pharisees, Sadducees, and others following the old covenant (with the limited understanding available to any but prophets before Jesus) - seem to be for their benefit and salvation, rather than to speak up & intercede for others. Jesus used his disciples to intercede for others, not those in the power structure. He did not seem to be asking the elite to effect top down change. Their 'power' did not seem to be much factor or concern to Him (other than suggesting it easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than a rich man to enter heaven).  Speaking Truth to power suggests a fearlessness and element of danger in speaking because of the consequences and retaliation available to those being spoken to (like George Fox speaking to the king).